So like I said in my earlier post, Im going to California this weekend. Particularly San Francisco for the Mens NCAA championships. The captain of the UC Berkeley team is Brian Dudley – a South African kid. Great kid, great Player. San Francisco’s board of supervisors has taken the initiative by banning restaurants from giving away free toys with the glutinous filth they pass off as food. I have no idea how they have the power to pass such far-reaching legislation. When we talk of supervisors, we talk of men with faces like plastic bowls of flyblown blancmange and the personal habits of the common wharf rat. They live in the ground floor flat with their curtains permanently drawn and only come out to deal with your complaint once you threaten to torch the building, which probably wouldn’t even burn because it’s so damp.
Osama bin Laden does not hate America because of its reckless foreign policy and unwavering support for Israel. If one had to press him for an honest answer, he would admit that America is at the top of his hit list simply because he suffers from body dysmorphic disorder. It is a little embarrassing to be the world’s most wanted terrorist and be cursed with the body of Kate Moss. And he can’t bulk up, either, no matter how many children he eats.
Understandably, McDonald’s is incandescent with rage. In one fell swoop, San Francisco has turned their Happy Meals into Misery Meals. As of December 2011, restaurants may include a toy only with a meal that contains fewer than 600 calories, and if less than 35% of the calories come from fat. I don’t know what this means. A switch in my brain goes off when I hear the word “calories”.
But let’s face it, fat kids need bad food like Julius Malema needs a good klap. They aren’t going to start ordering a side salad and a fruit ‘n yoghurt parfait to get a free toy. They will continue ordering chunks of carcinogenic cow, a potato farm worth of chips, McNuggets the size of real chickens and a chocolate milk shake big enough for a puppy to drown in. Saturated with fatty goodness, they will simply wait for a skinny kid to buy one of the bland supervisor-approved meals to come outside, then sit on him and take away his toy. I know I would.
It’s hard to believe this is San Francisco – a city where, not long ago, you could drop by your neighbourhood bar for a shot of bourbon and two grams of coke before heading home with three willowy blondes – male or female, it didn’t matter – for 72 hours of deviant sex and The Wind Cries Mary on repeat.
Not everyone is thrilled at the prospect of fewer gargantuan oafs in floral shirts and pleated golf pants wandering about the planet. Spokesman for McDonald’s, Danya Proud, said: “We are extremely disappointed with the decision. It is not what our customers want, nor is it something they asked for.” Well, of course they didn’t ask for it. How could they? It is not only rude but humanly impossible to talk with a Big Mac wedged in your craw.
One of the superhero supervisors, Eric Mar, said rates of obesity in San Francisco were “disturbingly high, especially among children of colour”. Barack Obama must take some of the blame, what with his taut tummy and snake-like hips. No good can come from having a role model who weighs under 100kg and knows how to jog. I feel safe with a president the size of Jacob Zuma. This is not a man who would ban free toys merely because of a burger’s calorie count. In fact, I see him opening a fast-food chain offering a free AK-47 with orders weighing 15kg or more. He could call it Msholozi’s Fried Everything.
Happy Meals have been a staple of the adolescent American diet since 1979, with millions of children growing up – and sideways – on the contents of these cheerful boxes packed with nourishing toxins. Often, the only way to get a child to eat is to give him a bribe. Or a punch in the head. But bribes work better in the long run. There is nothing wrong with luring children into McDonald’s with the promise of a toy. We’re not talking about sweeties laced with hallucinogenics. We’re talking about Snapper Brainbot, Metro Man and Sugarbunnies. All of which, I have to admit, sound like types of acid.
While doing research on happymeal.com, I was sidetracked because I got hooked on playing Dolphin Ball and Halfpipe Hero. McGames. Those are the real drugs. They might not make you fat, but they sure do make you stupid.
Speaking of stupid – knowing that coteries of bean-faced killjoys are out to get them, you’d think McDonald’s might want to remove this line from their website: “Ask about our special toys for children under 3!”
Is it even safe for children that small to be in McDonald’s? The day is going to come when a customer, blind with greed, picks up a stray toddler and rams it into his mouth thinking it’s a crispy chicken wrap.
So, anyway. San Francisco – the city that took away the toys and gave the world Aids. Far out, man.