Somewhere between the Nigerians trying to empty my bank account and an Indian who says he can give me a penis a horse can be proud of, I keep getting unsolicited emails from something called WebMD. I don’t know what is worse – the Mumbai Willy Whisperer or Internet Doctors who think they know what is best for me.

Health is a sensitive issue right now, what with the local quack squinting down my ear hole, then shaking his ancient head and telling me I should see an Ent.

I found this odd. Why would a giant tree-like creature that helped destroy the evil Saruman’s fortress at Isenguard be interested in my ear? Besides, these brutes are capable of killing an Uruk-hai with a single punch and I wouldn’t want one fiddling about near my eardrum. When I pointed this out, the doctor looked at me through narrowed eyes and said he wanted me to see an ear, nose and throat specialist. Apparently they are also called Ents. I bet people confuse the two all the time.

I generally ignore emails from strange doctors on the grounds that, if they were any good, they would be in the Bahamas up to their eyeballs in cocaine and dusky foxes and not wasting their time writing for free on the Internet.

One of their more recent nuggets was headlined: “10 foods to boost male health”. While I am the first to support the argument that there are enormous, almost insurmountable, differences between men and women, I find it hard to believe that there are as many as 10 different food types that are great for men, but are no good for women. We’re different, but not that different. Bunny Chow, for example, is good for both sexes. And everyone knows that five servings of fruit and vegetables a day will eventually kill you, regardless of your gender.

Oysters are top of WebMD’s list of food for men. They say that just a few oysters a day can boost the cardiovascular system and help erectile function at the same time. What they don’t say is that a few oysters a day will end up costing you at least $1000 a month. Sell your children into slavery, if you must. The main thing is that your gentleman parts work properly. They also warn that people with liver damage caused by alcohol abuse are susceptible to infection from raw oysters. There’s nothing better than a dozen freshly shucked Knysna oysters washed down with 500ml of methylated spirits,

They say that another of the Super Foods for Men is broccoli. Good God. Real men don’t eat broccoli. In fact its safe to say that broccoli is the Elton John of the vegetable world. Harsh on the eye and quite unpalatable.

These cyberdocs squatting in my inbox also say that regular physical activity can help prevent heart disease and cancer, “the No. 1 and No. 2 killers for men over 35.” Not around these parts they aren’t. Where I live desperadoes in balaclavas and shattered dreams are the two biggest killers of men.

Here are some of the other topics:

The Truth about beer and your belly. They seem to get along just fine.

Why men like porn. If the deputy minister of home affairs and her cabal of right wing advisors are to be believed, its because they are possessed by the devil.

Six sex mistakes men make. I know of only one – not leaving before the sun comes up.

Five things you didn’t know about your penis. His name isn’t really Mr. Bojangles?

Screening tests all men need. The only screening test I need is one that would get me the male lead alongside Angelina Jolie in a low-budget fetish flick filmed on a remote island in the Philippines.

Is your work out too wimpy? If the answer is yes, try the Spur. I recommend their cheeseburger with an extra patty on the side.

Could you be depressed? Hell no. I get a huge kick out of coming up with new and unusual ways to kill myself.

Foods that fight Alzheimer’s. I’d tell you, but you wouldn’t remember.

Vasectomy reversal: does it always work? Did the lobotomy fail?

Six embarrassing things that happen during sex. As if sex itself isn’t embarrassing enough.

The right headgear for your sport. Should you even be allowed out on your own if you put on a swimming cap before going out to face a fast bowler?

Men’s hair loss – surprising causes. Being dragged out of your car and scalped by a Sioux warrior could be one.

Men’s nipples: is arousal normal? Forget the Middle East question. This is the one that really needs answering.

Your penis getting older? What? This is an outrage. I want my money back.

What it’s like to have dementia. Why would I believe you? You’re barking mad.

Foods that turn your mood around? Does Ecstasy count as food?

The No. 1 health threat for men. I’m going with marriage.

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