“The life of a soldier consists of long periods of boredom, and short periods of terror.”

Never play poker with a nurse. There is no hiding anything from them. They read faces like sailors read the sky. There is no pride in a hospital gown. There is no imaginary wall of ego. There is just you. And Nurses are the ones who see it. They see the real you in your most embarrassing moment, when you need the most help, when you’re clasping onto any form of hope, or fighting every wave of despair. When you have nothing left to grasp on. When you’re a heartbeat away from death. They see all.

Doctors on the other hand are statisticians, accountants and tax collectors of the medical world. If they coached sport there would be no stories of teams beating the odds. Motivation and believing in the impossible are not in their skill set. They like to disconnect themselves from their patients / clients because it’s the easy way. Where doctors see numbers, nurses see people.

My nurse taught me that if you’re going to ignore expiry dates, you’ve got to be used to the taste of sour milk. So if you get Double Positives, then be prepared to be sour. Whilst my doctor showed that that little green monsters are actually pink – little pieces of nucleic acid surrounded by bad news (see pic), it was my nurse that showed me that if you are deprived of efficacy there is no more time for ideology, prayer or hope, only belief. It’s easy to make any banal situation seem extraordinary if you treat it as fateful.

Expected pain is always worse than unexpected pain.

When I had the BMP last week, it was painful. It was covered in fear and worry. I don’t think ABDV or Stanford 5 to be a walk in the park either. The quantum nature of life has taught me that expectation influences the outcome. If I’m expecting to expire, then ultimately I will. Instead I’m expecting to win at whatever cost. There is no space in my head or heart for anything else except narrow-minded commitment to winning this Fd up situation